A Tale of Two Births

At first glance, my birth stories might seem identical.  Both of my children were delivered by c-section. But two pregnancies, two deliveries are never the same.  My pregnancies and birth stories prove this statement to be 100% true.

My pregnancy with Katherine was full of complications: high blood pressure, swelling, irregular heartbeat and fluid in my lungs.  This was diagnosed as atypical preeclampsia and resulted in an emergency c-section 33 weeks into my pregnancy.   Katherine was born at 2:30 in the morning. After Katherine was born, my doctor said "It's a girl!" and I heard her cry.  The sound was a welcomed sound.  I had been in the hospital for observation earlier in the week and was given a steroid shot to help Katherine's lungs develop.  Hearing her cry reassured me that her lungs were fine.  The NICU nurse brought her over to me all swaddled up and said "Kiss goodbye before she goes upstairs".  I kissed her face and they took her away.  Another nurse asked Steve if he was staying with me or going with Katherine.  Steve asked me what he should do and I told him to go with Katherine.  I didn't want her to be by herself up in the NICU.  (I know she wasn't technically by herself with the doctors and nurses there but I couldn't stomach the idea of her not being with one of us.)  Steve followed the nurse upstairs and I immediately wished I had told him to stay.  This feeling immediately went away after my procedure was done.  I'm still glad I told Steve to go with Katherine.  I don't remember much from that day.  I do remember thinking I was never going to get better and feeling terrible that I wouldn't be able to care for the tiny baby upstairs in the NICU.  "All I wanted was a baby" I remember thinking.  Hours later the nurses and Steve wheeled me (IV and all) to the NICU so I could see Katherine and hold her that first day.  I could only hold her for 10 minutes at a time because I was so weak.  I wanted to hold her longer but I just couldn't.  I was so sick and out of it that first day that I don't remember having the morphine drip provided for all c-sections.  I also wasn't able to adequately manage my pain because I was simply too sick the first few days and the pain got out of control. I spent 7 days in the hospital recovering from my c-section and preeclampsia.  Katherine was born 7 weeks early and stayed in the hospital 29 days.

My pregnancy with Sean went so much smoother.  The only complication I had was gestational diabetes which at worst was annoying.  I was able to manage it with diet and exercise.  My c-section was scheduled.  Steve and I drove to the hospital, checked in and within a few hours had our baby boy.  The OR staff was relaxed and introduced themselves to me as they prepared for the surgery.  (With my first c-section, the atmosphere was a lot more stressed due to my unstable condition and the knowledge of delivering a baby early.)  The surgical nurse and my doctor held my hands as the spinal was put in place.  After Sean was delivered, my doctor held him up so I could see him over the tarp exclaiming "It's a boy!" and I cried tears of joy.  Steve was able to go with the nurse to weigh Sean.  The staff were guessing Sean's weight because he was a lot bigger than the doctor had anticipated.  He weighed 9 lbs and 1 oz.  A nurse practitioner from the NICU was called down because Sean's Apgar score had decreased to a 7 from the 8 he initially scored.  The nurse practitioner had been one of Katherine's NICU nurses so it was fun to see her again.  Sean was able to stay downstairs and not make a stay at the NICU.  Steve brought Sean over to me and I was able to hold him for a little bit.  When the nurse took Sean out of the OR, Steve went with him.  (It's my preference to have him go with the baby instead of stay with me.)  A little while later I was wheeled back to my recovery room and able to see both of them.  Sean's blood sugar was low so he was given a little bit of formula to bring his sugars up.  I was better able to control my pain after Sean's birth.  Being healthy will have that effect. ;)  My hospital stay was 4 days and I was able to take my baby home with me when I left.  I can't explain how great of a feeling that is after not being able to do that with Katherine.  My recovery has been so much smoother.  A lot of this has to do with my health after the birth and also the reduced stress load.  I don't have to go back to the NICU each day to be with my baby or worry about balancing time at home with time at the hospital.  I can simply enjoy my maternity leave with both of my kids.

To further illustrate the differences in my birth stories, here are a few pictures:

After Katherine was born:

(Believe it or not, this was NOT the worst picture of me from that day.)

After Sean was born:

34 Weeks and Counting!

34 weeks!  34 weeks!  34 weeks!  I made it to 34 weeks!  I've never made it this far into a pregnancy before.  Katherine was born at 33 weeks.  Steve and I psyched about how well this pregnancy is going.  It's a nice feeling to be healthy and know my baby probably won't spend time in the NICU.  (Although I do love the Unity Point NICU staff.  They were great!)  So celebrate with us that this pregnancy is going so well!

Giving Thanks: The Mind of a Child

Katherine has such an inquisitive mind.  It's one of the many reasons I'm thankful to be a mom.  We put up our Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving and she helped decorate.  For a few days afterward she would go over to the tree and point out various ornaments.  "A horse, Mommy!  Where other one go?"  "A ball!"  (for the purple and silver Christmas tree bulbs)  We'd stand for a few minutes looking at the Christmas tree and enjoying how pretty it is.  She's reminding me to slow down and savor the moments in the holiday season.  It's so easy to get caught up in the rush of everyday life.  Her excitement and joy about simple Christmas decorations remind me that this is what the season is truly about: finding joy in the little things and enjoying each day.  She also wants the Christmas tree to be lit all the time.  Each morning I make sure to plug the tree in before she comes downstairs so she's greeted by a lit tree.  

She's also a little nut.  Yesterday we were grocery shopping and she was laughing at everything.  And I do mean everything.  I have no idea what was so funny at Fareway yesterday but it made a normally mundane task a lot more fun.

A Gift to Last a Lifetime

I love to read.  It's truly one of my favorite hobbies.  I remember the first time I went to a Barnes and Noble.  It was so huge and books were everywhere.  It was magical.  Reading holds a special place in my heart.  When I was younger, I couldn't read and it impacted my life in a major way.  Many of you don't know (some of you do) that I repeated first grade.  It was one of the most influential, embarrassing and difficult moments of my life.  I know you're probably thinking that's a little dramatic considering how young a first grader is but it's true.  Having to repeat a grade shaped who I would become.  When I was in first grade the first time, I couldn't read.  The school was using a new method to teach reading and it didn't click with my logic-based brain.  I was sent to the resource room to work on my reading.  Only it didn't have much of an effect.  My first grade teacher was young and inexperienced.  My parents weren't told the depth of my struggles with reading until 3rd quarter conferences when asked if they would consider holding me back.  The teacher waited too long to talk to my parents about my struggles.  If it had been brought to their attention earlier in the year, they could have worked with me at home to improve my reading.  But they didn't have time to do that before the end the school year.  My parents made the decision to yes, hold me back a grade.  It was the right decision.  The class I ultimately graduated with is the class I feel like I truly belonged in.  But at the time, for my young ego and heart, it was extremely difficult.  I had failed.  I had never failed at something so major and so publicly in my little life.  I cried the last day of school when I was told I wouldn't be going to second grade with the rest of my class.

My mom taught me to read the summer between first grades.  My aunt Colleen, my God mother, suggested my mom use the old Phonics method to teach me to read.  It was more logic based than the method the school used and Aunt Colleen felt it would make sense to my logic-based brain.  And it did.  My mom spent the whole summer working with me in the evenings, going over lessons in reading.  Phonics focuses on sounding out words.  At times it was really hard.  I would cry and say "But you don't care about me!" to which my mom would reply "No." (as in "No, that's not true.  I do care.").  Eventually she turned it into a game.  I couldn't say that phrase until the end of a lesson page in the Phonics textbook.  The Phonics series we used had little story books to go with the lessons.  I still remember the look of those books: small, simple type, maybe a black and white picture of the characters.  I loved reading those little books with their simple stories.  I was getting it.  I was reading.

By the time I began first grade the second time, I could read.  I don't remember much about my second year of first grade.  I had a different teacher than the previous year.  (My original teacher went to a different town after getting married, I think.)  I do remember there was a bully from my former class who was always sent to the hall for being in trouble and would call me stupid as I walked by.  And that hurt.  My best friend, Jennifer, and I were in the same grade which now, I'm thankful for.  She's been a huge part of my life since we were babies.  It was nice to have a friend in my new grade that year.  By second grade, I had more confidence in myself and my abilities.  My second grade teacher asked my mom why I was held back.  Upon learning the reason, she responded "You're kidding!  She's one of the best readers in the class."  I had caught up.  The fear of failure learned at such a young age stayed with me for a long time.  It took me a long time to learn that it's ok to fail.  It's ok to not be the best at everything.  

And so my faithful readers, after all of this, the struggles, the tears, the humiliation, came a love of reading.  Reading means so much to me, probably more than the average person.  It signifies that I am smart, that I am capable of things I didn't think I could do.

Giving Thanks for Thanksgiving

Happy Turkey Day!  I'm up before Steve and Katherine so I have the opportunity to reflect on what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for Thanksgiving, as weird as that may sound.  I'm thankful for a holiday to gather with family, prepare a meal and appreciate what we've been given in the past year.  Steve and I don't live near family so anytime we're able to have family visit us, I'm thankful.

I'm thankful for Katherine's vacation days at day care.  Katherine had 5 vacation days at day care that would have expired in January.  I decided to take this week off so she and I could get some quality time together before Baby S arrives.  We didn't do anything super exciting this week or out of the norm.  We've had more snuggle time and time to play together.  The days off also gave me a chance to recharge.  I'd been feeling pretty exhausted lately.  Staying home with Katherine actually allowed me to not push myself too hard and get a few extra things done around the house.

I'm thankful for my crazy cats, The Fuzz and Leela, who as I type this are running around the living room attacking each other.  Our lives would be so boring without them.  Katherine loves them and now wants them to come play with her.  She'll hold a cat toy and yell "Leela!".  So far, Leela has yet to come running but it's still cute.

I'm thankful for the internet and Weight Watchers magazine.  Both have enabled me to find low-carb pumpkin and cranberry dishes so I can still enjoy some of my holiday favorites without going over my carb allowance.

I'm thankful that despite a few hiccups I'm healthier with this pregnancy.  I'm confident I will deliver a full-term baby this time around and not spend a week in the hospital clinging to my life.

I'm thankful all of the specialists I've been referred to this year have been in Sioux City.  This has made my life so much easier.  Rather than take a full day off work for a specialist appointment, I can take a few hours and drive across town to my appointment.

The things listed above are just a drop in the bucket.  I have so many things to be thankful for, this post could continue indefinitely.  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday today with your loved ones.

Gratitude

I'm adding a new feature to my blog: gratitude posts.  This year has been quite stressful for me (for reasons I won't discuss in this blog) and my stress management skills have not been the best.  I'm hoping that expressing gratitude publicly every week will help with that.  So without further ado: welcome to my first gratitude post.

I'm thankful for Steve, Katherine, The Fuzz and Leela.  Steve has always been very supportive of me whether it's supporting my various interests (crafting, reading, music, whatever it may be at the moment) or my recent medical issues, he's always there by my side cheering me on.  He's a lot more patient than I am too which helps a lot!  He has pretty much taken over meal prep which isn't an easy task now with my gestational diabetes.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still involved in part of the planning and prep but he does the bulk of the work.  Katherine's baths have also been taken over by him now that my belly gets in the way.  I'm so thankful he's willing to help out with these and so many other things.

Katherine brings such joy to our lives with her cute giggle and inquisitive mind.  I love when she asks "Where go?" when someone leaves the room or even the TV screen.  I also find it absolutely adorable that if the answer is "I don't know", she whispers the question twice more.  This week she's been really snugly.  She's wanted to sit on my lap more and just hang out.

The Fuzz and Leela are such dorks that I can't help but love them.  Their crazy antics make me laugh or shake my head daily.  I can't imagine not having them as part of our household.

There's the Sugar

Pregnancy complications seem to be my normal for pregnancy.  I was hoping for a pregnancy with minimal complications.  We were referred to the maternal-fetal specialist earlier due to a few cysts.  The cysts have disappeared and the baby and I were given a clean bill of health.  Then I received the diagnosis of gestational diabetes.  Initially I was really angry about my diagnosis.  While this isn't the diagnosis I had hoped for, I've decided to accept it and move on.  There are a few positives to this diagnosis:

• I get to meet with a dietitian.  I've taken an interest in nutrition in the past few years and have wanted to meet with a dietitian for awhile.
• I get to search for new low-carb recipes.  For a foodie like me, it's the perfect excuse to look through recipes.  I've already found a few for Thanksgiving so I can enjoy some of the traditional foods without completely blowing my carb count.
• My cousin Erin has been an enormous source of support and knowledge.  Erin is a Registered Dietitian and I've relied on her for nutrition advice since Katherine was born.  I really appreciate her knowledge!
• We have to plan out our meals in detail and are eating healthier, more balanced meals as a result.  
• I'm learning more about nutrition.
• There are more foods I can eat than I originally thought there would be.
• I can't die from this.
• Steve is very supportive in my diet and cooking healthy foods.
• I'm allowed 3 meals and 3 snacks each day with specific carb counts for each.
• Proteins, cheese and most vegetables are considered "free" foods.  Thanks goodness I can eat however much cheese I want!  And yes, I'm serious.  I love cheese.
• I don't have to take medication.  Usually gestational diabetes can be controlled through diet.  I really hope this is true in my case.
• I've had to finally give up Pepsi for good.  I've known for awhile I should do this.  Gestational diabetes was the kick in the pants I needed to actually do it.
• This has made me even more aware that I need to adopt healthy habits.  I'm hoping to adopt an exercise routine within the next year.  (I'm giving myself a little leeway when Baby S is really little.)  I'm also hoping to continue with a healthy diet about Baby S's arrival. 
• A coworker also has gestational diabetes.  We've been able to commiserate and support each other.  It's comforting to have someone in the same boat, even if I wish we both didn't have it.
• So far, my blood sugar has been within the acceptable ranges.  
• Gestational diabetes usually goes away after the baby is born.
• Pumpkin spice cream cheese is only 5 carbs per serving.  Yay!  A pumpkin something I can enjoy.  

There are a few negatives to this as well:

• I have to go through the holidays with this new diet.  I'm really not thrilled about not being able to eat whatever sweets or foods I want during Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We are celebrating Christmas in Sioux City and I was looking forward to trying traditional dishes from all over the world.  That probably isn't going to happen now.  
• Learning to carb count takes time out of my day.  Until I get really good at it, it takes time to figure out what I'm eating for my meals and snacks each day.  
• I really, really like pasta, bread and sweets.  I'm a little bummed I can't eat these whenever I want in the quantity I want.  
• Our meal-planning takes a lot longer.  Steve and I sat down and really had to think of low-carb meals for the next week.  I know this will get easier over time.  It's a just a little frustrating right now.
• Possible health risks for the baby if I don't follow my diet and the potential for diabetes in the future for me.  I really didn't want to add more future health risks for myself.  I have a few potential future health concerns due to the preeclampsia I had while pregnant with Katherine.  I also want to have a healthy baby who gets to leave the hospital the same day I do.  
• I can't eat ice cream whenever I want.  
• I have to check my blood sugar 4 times a day which means my fingers get jabbed each time.  On the plus side, it could be a lot more.  I'm only required to check my sugars in the morning and 2 hours after each meal.  
• I've had to finally give up Pepsi for good.  It was my one vice and I really like it.  I don't drink (even when I'm not pregnant I don't drink much alcohol.) and I've never smoked.  Pop was my vice.  As you can see, I have mixed feelings about having to give it up.

I'm trying to make the best of this situation and be positive.  It is only 2 months and I can stick with it for that short of a time frame.